Red Digital Readout

Doom is a film based on an extremely bloody video game shooter, only the filmmakers decided that the shooting part wasn’t as important as the bloody. By the time the first half hour ticks by, we’ve seen buckets of gore, but not a single shot fired. If Doom’s goal was to suggest that films can poison the mind just as easily as video games, then mission accomplished (for real).

It seems as if the director had only seen one movie before, James Cameron’s Aliens. Only the DVD must have been damaged, because the only scenes he could study were the ones where the Marines slowly walk around the abandoned space outpost, the lights at the end of their weapons providing the only illumination. Doom’s run time clocks in at a criminal 113 minutes, 90 of which consist of scenes where the Marines split into pairs and clear dark rooms.

In between those, we have lots of childish expository talking, along with poorly choreographed shots of Marines plowing bullets into monsters. The visual effects crew obviously missed the rest of Aliens as well, because where Aliens' creatures were creepy and sleek, Doom’s demons resemble rugby players drenched in mud. Perhaps they figured that the brazen lack of lighting would make this a moot point?

Exactly why the filmmakers mostly ignored the vile looking monsters of the source material is hard to explain, as is the complete lack of interesting violence or combat. People get butchered, Marines shoot machine guns, they move on. Most films of this nature are ruthlessly mean-spirited and cynical, but Doom merely operates on fumes, gliding from one stupid scene to the next. Gore sickos will have much more fun with smut like Saw II or Wolf Creek, while action fans can find more inspiring material in the typical B western. A bright 6th grader or a stupid English grad student could have reasonably written the plot, which is so worthless that it doesn’t deserve description.

Doom offers surprise only in the astonishing boredom of each frame. I can’t even despise Doom, because to do so would require the far more energy than the film possesses. If for some reason you are forced to watch Doom, I suggest a game; close your eyes, listen to the dialogue, and make your own pictures. Rest assured, what you think of will be much more enjoyable than what actually exists. Even better, suggest an alternative activity. How about a good book? Video games can be so dull.


0.5 out of 5

Sky High is the newest film to tackle super-heroes, a topic that has become so common in film that it should soon be awarded its own genre. The characters are all original, so no ridiculously long running concepts have to be honored, but the film dives into comic book stereotypes with unusual candor.

Will Stronghold (Michael Angarano) dreads his first dead of high school, but not for the reasons most kids do. His parents are the Commander (Kurt Russell) and Jetstream (Kelly Preston), the world’s most famous super-heroes on an earth replete with meta-humans. Instead of one of the boring schools mere mortals attend, he’ll be going to Sky High, a flying fortress where all the super-heroes go.

The school’s selection and education process is one that would likely result in lawsuits, if it weren’t out of the legal jurisdiction of every court on earth. On the first day, the students are herded into a gym, where Bruce Campbell (or Sonic Boom, depending on how you choose to listen) demands a demonstration. Kids with useful powers such as flight or super strength get to be ‘heroes’, while those with less useful powers such as the ability to glow in the dark are discarded into the ‘hero support’ pile. The supporters are so disdained that Will had never even heard of his father’s sidekick, who ruefully notes "I suppose he doesn’t have time to sit around all day and look through scrapbooks that I made him." Will has yet to develop any powers, a shortcoming that will crush his father, who doesn’t know (let us hope Will never gets offered drugs).

Sky High makes good use of the material it has. I chuckled at a character named Warren Peace and liked how they covered nearly ever superhero power imaginable. Couldn’t more have been done, however? By the end, we are given the standard comic book plot, where Will saves the day, all the sidekicks get to use their nearly useless powers to prove their worth, and a PG rated kiss is exchanged.

With the exotic setting and dozens of possibilities posed by mixing teenagers imbued with godly powers, did the central problem need to be an attack by a goofy villain? I was much more interested in the rivalry between Will and a fire-wielding punk who’s fathers were arch enemies. What about learning not to abuse the astonishing gifts they have received? Unfortunately, the film skips most of this, more satisfied with the standard Disney plot.

It would be difficult, if not impossible, to avoid comparing Sky High to the animated The Incredibles. The latter sharply but respectfully satirizes comics while utilizing the material to make a visually dazzling family film with a good message. Sky High plays the comic cannon straight, in the process appealing to the same children that most of those dopey comics do, but leaving the adults with little more than gentle grins. Does the embrace of comic values make a great children’s flick? Yes, but will adults find themselves more than mildly entertained? Holy frijoles, Batman, no!

3 out of 5